The Great Conflict

Today I am a messy, heartbroken, super emotional woman.


My heart often aches due to the fact that I'm just a very conflicted person. 80% of the time, there's some sort of inner-disaster happening. It is ALWAYS caused by confusion. My confusion. In this world, so often, the whole idea of "What would Jesus do?" absolutely eludes me. To the point of being... this. A mess. Even the FACT that I am so conflicted makes me feel more conflicted because I can't help but think, "I shouldn't be so conflicted all the time!"

If you're thinking, "Yikes Ashley, calm down, what on earth are you feeling so conflicted about?" Thank you for asking. Most things, friend. Honestly. Most things involving God-honoring behavior in this world vs. what comes naturally due to sin. For example, the fact that I have a nice house, but I want a NICER house. The fact that I am slowly learning about gardening and fully enjoying it, but I want a BIGGER garden. The fact that I have decorations in my house, but I want CUTER decorations. "The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate." -Paul as written in Romans 7.

I realize that it seems like I'm putting way too much weight on the "works" scale as opposed to the "already-saved-by-believing-and-loving-Christ-Jesus-and-I-need-to-rest-in-that" scale. But the conflict is deeper than that. It's not just the thought of, "Oh man, I suck at being Christian." It's the battle between the normal desires of this world that are somehow programmed into us and the desire to live a life that looks DIFFERENT. A life where you're okay with not having "fancy" things, or new clothes, or going on vacations every year, or going shoppingshoppingshopping all the time for new home decorations like you're supposed to do when you're a twenty-something and beyond. I don't believe God sees those as sin in themselves, but how much do we all bow down to them, making idols out of them? Too often, we don't find contentment in being children of an Uncreated God, who have been given the wonderful burden of caring for lost sheep, and we instead find our joy in tangible items. That is what is normal in our society. The "American Dream" says that it is weird to have an old, junky car. It says that it's weird to not have the day-job that you hate, so you can buy things you don't need, to impress people you don't like, and you have that job all through your life because you need to suck it up and just do it because that's what you're supposed to do. These things aggravate me for two reasons. First, because I desire to see Christian lives look different from nonChristian lives in ways that aren't just subtle little sprinkles. Second, because I fall into the same traps and it gets old and I'm really tired of it. I think about my house and all the fancy stuff that I have that is SO not necessary. I own a wooden box that holds bread in it. Why? Because the bread looks silly sitting on the counter and I want it on the counter so it's easily accessible! That is dumb! I own a room that is used to house my broken car and a bunch of JUNK that is in some kind of limbo/tug-o-war because some things I MIGHT want to keep but I don't ACTUALLY want it in the house, but I can't seem to get rid of it because some day I "might just need it". I have a nightstand on my side of the bed and a nightstand on my husband's side of the bed. Why? Because you're supposed to have nightstands by your bed and so we have things to set our techno-gadgets on while we're sleeping so they don't get... what? Dirty on the clean carpet? BLERG! I own a big TV on which I watch movies so I can avoid picking up a book or going outside (yep, I said it) to meet neighbors and spread God's love, heaven forbid taking that time to read the Word of the Living God because man is that TAXING! Jiminy Christmas!

Some people in our lives may look at our situation and think that we don't have anything fancy. I am so often torn between believe this lie told to me even by loved ones in my life, and wrestling with the uselessness of all of this STUFF! But oh no, when I think of getting rid of it and actually putting the Lord before any of it... pfft, no. I can't do that. That's uncomfortable. 

I'm in constant conflict between the desires I allow the world to put in my heart, and the desires God puts in my heart. I'm told that we need to be "responsible". We need to get as many jobs as we can to fill our days, to pay off our debt, to save up money, to get health benefits, to start saving for retirement. I see merit in those things. Of course I do. I'd be ridiculous if I said, "I am not going to work at all, and I don't want my husband to work, and God, we are just going to sit here and let you pay all our bills and feed us and what not. Thanks!" And while I want to be responsible in ways which will benefit OTHER people involved in these areas, and it'd be nice to have those things like health benefits and money saved up... my hope should not rest in them and they should not be the focus of my life. I want my goal to be to do what I can, work-wise, same with my wonderful husband, so we can be responsible and pay the bills that we owe, but I want our number one way to be taken care of in this world, to be God. I want to seek His face and His desires, and  trust Him to take care of us because He loves us. I'm not saying I want to mooch off of anyone, but I wouldn't trade the miracles we have experienced for ANYTHING. Some people disagree with the help we have been given. And I can understand their perspectives. But if we'd done the "American thing" all this time, and worked ourselves to the bone, we wouldn't have gotten to experience the amazing, indescribable things that we have gotten to experience. He has answered so many prayers that were spoken only to Him and no-one else. What an amazing miracle! "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done!" -Paul as written in Philippians 4.

I am just struggling. And confused. Not about salvation; my salvation is in Jesus the Messiah who came and loved and died to take God's wrath so that I can live freely in a beautiful relationship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit. 

Some days I feel the brevity of The Conflict. Today is just one of those days. Praying for discernment, boldness, and wisdom in my actions and my words. All I desire is to live a different kind of life, hand-in-hand with Jesus, my beloved.