Today I am a messy, heartbroken, super emotional woman.
My heart often aches due to the fact that I'm just a very conflicted person. 80% of the time, there's some sort of inner-disaster happening. It is ALWAYS caused by confusion. My confusion. In this world, so often, the whole idea of "What would Jesus do?" absolutely eludes me. To the point of being... this. A mess. Even the FACT that I am so conflicted makes me feel more conflicted because I can't help but think, "I shouldn't be so conflicted all the time!"
If you're thinking, "Yikes Ashley, calm down, what on earth are you feeling so conflicted about?" Thank you for asking. Most things, friend. Honestly. Most things involving God-honoring behavior in this world vs. what comes naturally due to sin. For example, the fact that I have a nice house, but I want a NICER house. The fact that I am slowly learning about gardening and fully enjoying it, but I want a BIGGER garden. The fact that I have decorations in my house, but I want CUTER decorations. "The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate." -Paul as written in Romans 7.
I realize that it seems like I'm putting way too much weight on the "works" scale as opposed to the "already-saved-by-believing-and-loving-Christ-Jesus-and-I-need-to-rest-in-that" scale. But the conflict is deeper than that. It's not just the thought of, "Oh man, I suck at being Christian." It's the battle between the normal desires of this world that are somehow programmed into us and the desire to live a life that looks DIFFERENT. A life where you're okay with not having "fancy" things, or new clothes, or going on vacations every year, or going shoppingshoppingshopping all the time for new home decorations like you're supposed to do when you're a twenty-something and beyond. I don't believe God sees those as sin in themselves, but how much do we all bow down to them, making idols out of them? Too often, we don't find contentment in being children of an Uncreated God, who have been given the wonderful burden of caring for lost sheep, and we instead find our joy in tangible items. That is what is normal in our society. The "American Dream" says that it is weird to have an old, junky car. It says that it's weird to not have the day-job that you hate, so you can buy things you don't need, to impress people you don't like, and you have that job all through your life because you need to suck it up and just do it because that's what you're supposed to do. These things aggravate me for two reasons. First, because I desire to see Christian lives look different from nonChristian lives in ways that aren't just subtle little sprinkles. Second, because I fall into the same traps and it gets old and I'm really tired of it. I think about my house and all the fancy stuff that I have that is SO not necessary. I own a wooden box that holds bread in it. Why? Because the bread looks silly sitting on the counter and I want it on the counter so it's easily accessible! That is dumb! I own a room that is used to house my broken car and a bunch of JUNK that is in some kind of limbo/tug-o-war because some things I MIGHT want to keep but I don't ACTUALLY want it in the house, but I can't seem to get rid of it because some day I "might just need it". I have a nightstand on my side of the bed and a nightstand on my husband's side of the bed. Why? Because you're supposed to have nightstands by your bed and so we have things to set our techno-gadgets on while we're sleeping so they don't get... what? Dirty on the clean carpet? BLERG! I own a big TV on which I watch movies so I can avoid picking up a book or going outside (yep, I said it) to meet neighbors and spread God's love, heaven forbid taking that time to read the Word of the Living God because man is that TAXING! Jiminy Christmas!
Some people in our lives may look at our situation and think that we don't have anything fancy. I am so often torn between believe this lie told to me even by loved ones in my life, and wrestling with the uselessness of all of this STUFF! But oh no, when I think of getting rid of it and actually putting the Lord before any of it... pfft, no. I can't do that. That's uncomfortable.
I'm in constant conflict between the desires I allow the world to put in my heart, and the desires God puts in my heart. I'm told that we need to be "responsible". We need to get as many jobs as we can to fill our days, to pay off our debt, to save up money, to get health benefits, to start saving for retirement. I see merit in those things. Of course I do. I'd be ridiculous if I said, "I am not going to work at all, and I don't want my husband to work, and God, we are just going to sit here and let you pay all our bills and feed us and what not. Thanks!" And while I want to be responsible in ways which will benefit OTHER people involved in these areas, and it'd be nice to have those things like health benefits and money saved up... my hope should not rest in them and they should not be the focus of my life. I want my goal to be to do what I can, work-wise, same with my wonderful husband, so we can be responsible and pay the bills that we owe, but I want our number one way to be taken care of in this world, to be God. I want to seek His face and His desires, and trust Him to take care of us because He loves us. I'm not saying I want to mooch off of anyone, but I wouldn't trade the miracles we have experienced for ANYTHING. Some people disagree with the help we have been given. And I can understand their perspectives. But if we'd done the "American thing" all this time, and worked ourselves to the bone, we wouldn't have gotten to experience the amazing, indescribable things that we have gotten to experience. He has answered so many prayers that were spoken only to Him and no-one else. What an amazing miracle! "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done!" -Paul as written in Philippians 4.
I am just struggling. And confused. Not about salvation; my salvation is in Jesus the Messiah who came and loved and died to take God's wrath so that I can live freely in a beautiful relationship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit.
Some days I feel the brevity of The Conflict. Today is just one of those days. Praying for discernment, boldness, and wisdom in my actions and my words. All I desire is to live a different kind of life, hand-in-hand with Jesus, my beloved.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Messy
Oh, I'm just a mess. Some days, I quite like that about myself. Other days, I've never been more annoyed than when I'm unable to control my own feelings. It's a horrible, helpless feeling. I go back and forth between these two scenarios. I also go back and forth between whether or not to share this with the world around me. However, something I absolutely adore is when someone shows me their human side. When they put their flaws out there for everyone to see, unashamedly, with the affirmation that they have been covered by the blood of Jesus and now stand pure and flawless. I relish in these moments. Moments in which I get to reply "Me, too" to a friend who is allowing me to step into their mess of a life. Some people don't like it. I can't help but to feel that those people also just don't get it. Like the woman who, on a Sunday morning (and also who I'd never met or seen before), expressed her disgust at the fact that I didn't have my shoes on. "I know it's Arizona and it's hot here, but come on, this is church." Very briefly did her biting comment sting, but then I realized that it's just because she doesn't know. She doesn't know that I take my shoes off during Worship on Sunday mornings because at that time, I am on holy ground {Exodus 3:5}. Some people just don't know. And that's okay. People will make their judgments no matter what you do. The point is, to whom do you answer? The world? Or the King?
With all of that said, I am indeed a mess. But today I quite like that about myself. It gives me a chance to make me a little smaller, and to make God bigger.
With all of that said, I am indeed a mess. But today I quite like that about myself. It gives me a chance to make me a little smaller, and to make God bigger.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Hello?
Hello.
My name is Ashley. You may not remember me, it's been a while since we've spoken. Sigh. You guys know when life gets all... lifey? I swear I've lived 10 lifetimes during my 21 years of breathing. I'm in this very interesting season currently, one in which I just... don't know anything. I'm calling it my "Spiritual Shoulder-Shrug Season". Catchy, right? It's the kind of season where things aren't going "right", yet all I can do is shrug and think, "Well, God knows I'm trying, God knows I'm relying on Him, and that's all I can do."
Basically, through a series of slightly unfortunate events, I was laid off from my job as a housekeeper recently. Recently like 2-ish weeks ago. The hilariously ridiculous part about it? This is the second job out of... what, 10? 11? 12? {I've lost count} jobs that I've had, that I actually LIKED! I was so committed to staying with this job. I even enjoyed going each day! I didn't have to be dragged to the car each morning solely by my obligation to "bring home the bacon". On top of that, the other job I liked {being a watch technician at Fast-Fix Jewelry and Watch Repair in 08-09}, I was laid off from that, too! Though that was for economic reasons as opposed to me screwing something up. Regardless, I find this factoid rather interesting. The only jobs I've enjoyed... I was let go from. This is a glimpse into life, in the way that things just don't make sense. All you can do is try your best. Which, by the way, I do.
Allow me to further press, however, the fact that I'm... okay. My heart {and, more often, my husband} constantly reminds me that God is in control and I am not. And I know {though sometimes I forget to remember...} that I'd much rather have God in control of my life than myself. I just figure, you know, He's a smarty-pants. Some days I can't tell if I'm completely lethargic or just okay. But perhaps both of those are better than being a mess-o-stress.
During this recent stint of unemployment, however, I'm pleased to reveal one {out of two} finished {2013} 365 Books, in all its glory.
And some page examples:
I'd also like to present baby Malakai, my dear friends Michaela and Jimbo's baby boy. He came fresh out of the oven this past Thursday, and may I just say, he came out devilishly handsome.
The End.
My name is Ashley. You may not remember me, it's been a while since we've spoken. Sigh. You guys know when life gets all... lifey? I swear I've lived 10 lifetimes during my 21 years of breathing. I'm in this very interesting season currently, one in which I just... don't know anything. I'm calling it my "Spiritual Shoulder-Shrug Season". Catchy, right? It's the kind of season where things aren't going "right", yet all I can do is shrug and think, "Well, God knows I'm trying, God knows I'm relying on Him, and that's all I can do."
Basically, through a series of slightly unfortunate events, I was laid off from my job as a housekeeper recently. Recently like 2-ish weeks ago. The hilariously ridiculous part about it? This is the second job out of... what, 10? 11? 12? {I've lost count} jobs that I've had, that I actually LIKED! I was so committed to staying with this job. I even enjoyed going each day! I didn't have to be dragged to the car each morning solely by my obligation to "bring home the bacon". On top of that, the other job I liked {being a watch technician at Fast-Fix Jewelry and Watch Repair in 08-09}, I was laid off from that, too! Though that was for economic reasons as opposed to me screwing something up. Regardless, I find this factoid rather interesting. The only jobs I've enjoyed... I was let go from. This is a glimpse into life, in the way that things just don't make sense. All you can do is try your best. Which, by the way, I do.
Allow me to further press, however, the fact that I'm... okay. My heart {and, more often, my husband} constantly reminds me that God is in control and I am not. And I know {though sometimes I forget to remember...} that I'd much rather have God in control of my life than myself. I just figure, you know, He's a smarty-pants. Some days I can't tell if I'm completely lethargic or just okay. But perhaps both of those are better than being a mess-o-stress.
During this recent stint of unemployment, however, I'm pleased to reveal one {out of two} finished {2013} 365 Books, in all its glory.
And some page examples:
I'd also like to present baby Malakai, my dear friends Michaela and Jimbo's baby boy. He came fresh out of the oven this past Thursday, and may I just say, he came out devilishly handsome.
The End.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Patience with God
I'm really struggling with patience. Not patience with people here around me, patience with God. Which, in my opinion, is way worse than struggling with patience with people, though that's not great either. I know all the cliche (but very true) statements, "It's all in God's timing." "God's timing is perfect." Trust me, I remind myself of this more often than you know.
I was good about it for a while, this issue. Sometimes I'm able to push these feelings way, way, way down to make myself feel better about the fact that it's just not going to happen anytime soon. But they surface. They always surface.
I want a baby so badly. My heart literally aches when I think about the absence of one in my life, or when someone starts talking about their babies or being pregnant (which always comes up in my life since nearly everyone I know has babies and kids or is about to). I am so happy for them. I seriously am. It wouldn't be as much of an issue, probably, if I didn't keep dreaming these incredibly detailed, seemingly real dreams that Chris and I have a baby. They're always those really long dreams where it's one swift story, not a bizarre dream broken into five separate stories wherein I carry a parrot on my shoulder the whole time, just to keep things dream-like. No, they're very real and they happen all too often. I cry when I wake up from these stupid dreams because I realize that baby in my dream that I was in love with doesn't actually exist. It's happened to the point of me begging God to not let it happen again. Then I get to go on with my day like nothing happened and see everyone else's babies and hear their news of being pregnant. Which, again, I am happy for all my friends in these stages, and these are babies that I adore. Doesn't make it any easier to talk about, though.
It might sound silly, and you might think it's something I should be able to flip off, like a switch. Temporarily, maybe. Or I just don't talk about it for a while and try to convince myself that, "Hey, that's fine, it just won't happen right now. That's fine. Totally fine with that. Fine." But it always comes back.
Praying for patience. And contentment.
I was good about it for a while, this issue. Sometimes I'm able to push these feelings way, way, way down to make myself feel better about the fact that it's just not going to happen anytime soon. But they surface. They always surface.
I want a baby so badly. My heart literally aches when I think about the absence of one in my life, or when someone starts talking about their babies or being pregnant (which always comes up in my life since nearly everyone I know has babies and kids or is about to). I am so happy for them. I seriously am. It wouldn't be as much of an issue, probably, if I didn't keep dreaming these incredibly detailed, seemingly real dreams that Chris and I have a baby. They're always those really long dreams where it's one swift story, not a bizarre dream broken into five separate stories wherein I carry a parrot on my shoulder the whole time, just to keep things dream-like. No, they're very real and they happen all too often. I cry when I wake up from these stupid dreams because I realize that baby in my dream that I was in love with doesn't actually exist. It's happened to the point of me begging God to not let it happen again. Then I get to go on with my day like nothing happened and see everyone else's babies and hear their news of being pregnant. Which, again, I am happy for all my friends in these stages, and these are babies that I adore. Doesn't make it any easier to talk about, though.
It might sound silly, and you might think it's something I should be able to flip off, like a switch. Temporarily, maybe. Or I just don't talk about it for a while and try to convince myself that, "Hey, that's fine, it just won't happen right now. That's fine. Totally fine with that. Fine." But it always comes back.
Praying for patience. And contentment.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thin Line for Sinful Christians
"Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:24-25
I can't get past this scripture. There's something about it that's causing me to have a heavy heart, which is interesting because it's a happy scripture of Good News! "Thanks God, for saving us from a crap life of sin!" and yes, that is true, but I think what I'm stuck on is... Do we tend to take this gift from God expectantly, and turn around to go back to our normal lives? All the while feeling good about ourselves because of the Salvation Token we've tucked away in our back pocket? What in our life actually changes when we hear that we are Rescued forever? Does anything change? If something does, what? What is the life of a saved Believer in this day and age supposed to look like? It's supposed to look different from people who haven't heard this News, right? You would think it would have SOME kind of affect on our entire lives, not just on our Sunday mornings. I think about people in my family who either don't know this News, don't believe this News, or just flat out don't care about this News. Does my life look different to them than other peoples' lives? So often I'm curious to know. But how the heck do you find out that information? "Hey, did you notice anything new about me? I stopped cussing! And I can't hang out on Sunday mornings because I have to go to Church. And I got this cute Cross-tattoo on my ankle. Did you notice those things?" What silly things to say to someone who doesn't know Him! And, not to mention, more examples of a spiritually-shallow "relationship" with God (not that those things are bad, I'm just saying should those things be glorified fruit of a life turned over to Jesus?)
What is okay for Christians and what is too worldly? 50 Shades of Grey? Magic Mike? Are these things Christians should be saying "No" to? Or does the boycott of such things create an even greater rift in the Believer/Non-Believer dynamic? Where's the line? I think of scriptures such as Romans 13:13-14: "Don't participate in wild parties and getting drunk, or in adultery and immoral living, or in fighting and jealousy." And in Ephesians 5:3: "Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God's people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes - these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God." Okay, I've got to be honest. My husband and I both LOVE The Office, which is full of coarse jokes and the use of God's name in vain. Here's my struggle! And he and I are also big into the "That's What She Said" jokes. We just are. Does this cross the line? I legitimately want to hear peoples' interpretations of this topic.
I know our lives are supposed to look different. But how different?
I can't get past this scripture. There's something about it that's causing me to have a heavy heart, which is interesting because it's a happy scripture of Good News! "Thanks God, for saving us from a crap life of sin!" and yes, that is true, but I think what I'm stuck on is... Do we tend to take this gift from God expectantly, and turn around to go back to our normal lives? All the while feeling good about ourselves because of the Salvation Token we've tucked away in our back pocket? What in our life actually changes when we hear that we are Rescued forever? Does anything change? If something does, what? What is the life of a saved Believer in this day and age supposed to look like? It's supposed to look different from people who haven't heard this News, right? You would think it would have SOME kind of affect on our entire lives, not just on our Sunday mornings. I think about people in my family who either don't know this News, don't believe this News, or just flat out don't care about this News. Does my life look different to them than other peoples' lives? So often I'm curious to know. But how the heck do you find out that information? "Hey, did you notice anything new about me? I stopped cussing! And I can't hang out on Sunday mornings because I have to go to Church. And I got this cute Cross-tattoo on my ankle. Did you notice those things?" What silly things to say to someone who doesn't know Him! And, not to mention, more examples of a spiritually-shallow "relationship" with God (not that those things are bad, I'm just saying should those things be glorified fruit of a life turned over to Jesus?)
What is okay for Christians and what is too worldly? 50 Shades of Grey? Magic Mike? Are these things Christians should be saying "No" to? Or does the boycott of such things create an even greater rift in the Believer/Non-Believer dynamic? Where's the line? I think of scriptures such as Romans 13:13-14: "Don't participate in wild parties and getting drunk, or in adultery and immoral living, or in fighting and jealousy." And in Ephesians 5:3: "Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God's people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes - these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God." Okay, I've got to be honest. My husband and I both LOVE The Office, which is full of coarse jokes and the use of God's name in vain. Here's my struggle! And he and I are also big into the "That's What She Said" jokes. We just are. Does this cross the line? I legitimately want to hear peoples' interpretations of this topic.
I know our lives are supposed to look different. But how different?
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Such an Injustice
Today was absolutely beautiful. I did something I've been meaning to do for quite a while:
That is how I'd love to have my entire house decorated; white, black, and yellow. And teal, but there isn't any teal in the situation shown above. But alas, it gets expensive to have a decorated house! Even if you do make all the stuff yourself. Anyway, enough ranting. I also got to design a logo for a friend who is starting a very exciting business venture {check it out here}. She's giving away a free treatment of the winner's choice once she hits 100 "likes", so make sure to like her page, therefore entering the contest.
I so support any type of entrepreneurial leaps. We are all just slaves to The Man while we're just trying to survive. Even living simply, without all these fancy luxuries life offers, can be way difficult! It's like you have to pay just to breathe. You've got rent/mortgage, water, electric, you have to pay for lame things to keep your yard clean to avoid the Mafia - I mean, the HOA hounding you. Then there's stuff for inside the home that isn't fun to buy at all but you just don't have an option - toilet paper, soap, toothpaste, deodorant. I don't know about you, maybe we're just incredibly stinky people, but I feel like we're buying deodorant ALL the TIME! But you have to have your job to pay for all this crap. HOPEFULLY you have some kind of job you like. I'm thankful right now to be getting paid to do things I enjoy (babysitting and piano lessons) and that Chris gets paid doing something he enjoys {leading Worship for our Church - ONE Community Church}. But that is rare! These days, it's "normal" and more accepted by society to have a 9-5 job doing something you hate. That's the responsible, grown-up thing to do. I've tried that, and I've hated every minute of it. I don't understand how some people enjoy it, but more power to them I suppose. I think of my dad who works a job he absolutely hates because he and my mom have bills to pay. And not even fancy bills! It's not like they go out and spend it up! It's all such injustice, I think. I'm still voting for all of us outraged citizens to come together to form a commune. Find some doctors, some farmers, some teachers, some carpenters, some electricians, some plumbers. We'll make all of our own stuff and do what we love while living in community! Fool-proof plan!
Obviously I know this will never happen. I guess I wasn't really done ranting the first time.
Anyway, tomorrow will include:
- Piano lesson. Still having a blast. Jayla has currently already learned chords A - G, Am - Gm, Bb - G#, Bbm - G#m and we're now just working on memorizing them (or memorazizing them... for some reason the word "memorizing" is difficult for me to say) and getting faster at find them and playing them. After this, we'll work on transposing, and move on to the fun part: playing songs!
- Dinner with friends tomorrow night: The Francks and The Simmons. We love having people over, it'll be way fun. Then I'm planning on getting smoked at Catan or Dominion.
I get the sense that I'm rambling. I'll just end this post now. Night!
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Indiana 2012!
I know, I know. I'm a little flaky when it comes to this blog thing. Too much going on! But now that I have a moment, let me update you guys.
My sweet husband and I went to Indiana for two weeks to see the wedding of these two cute people:
While in Indiana, we had a great time with family and friends, and we even got to watch some cable. What a beautiful luxury FoodNetwork is! I'm already feeling separation anxiety in regards to "Giada at Home" and "Chopped". Here are some quick snapshots of what went down in Madison County:
My sweet husband and I went to Indiana for two weeks to see the wedding of these two cute people:
While in Indiana, we had a great time with family and friends, and we even got to watch some cable. What a beautiful luxury FoodNetwork is! I'm already feeling separation anxiety in regards to "Giada at Home" and "Chopped". Here are some quick snapshots of what went down in Madison County:
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| Lots of coffee was consumed. |
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| Chunk of time well-spent on reading lots of Country Living magazines! |
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| Healthy portion of Catch and a sprinkle of Disc Golf. |
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| Me, glockenspieling at the wedding! |
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Hiking Clifty Falls with husband, brother-in-law, and sister-in-law.
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Wednesday, May 23, 2012
30 Mississippis
I know, I haven't blogged anything in a while. Funny how that works, when you actually have things going on to blog about, you haven't got the time!
Well, as I am currently experiencing decently stable mental health (thank You, Jesus) this post will simply be an update for all of you who care to know the happenings in my story.
I just sat and stared at the screen for a solid 30 "mississippis", not knowing where to even begin. So I will begin by simply stating:
I am in Indiana.
Why am I in Indiana? Two reasons. One, to visit my husband's side of the family (we are staying with his parents); two, we are here for the wedding of two wonderful people, Stephen and Christy.
Let's rewind a bit and lay out some of the last week's itinerary, shall we? The evening of Wednesday the 16th of May, we had a going away shindig (small scale) for my friend, Lyndsy, who was to be moving to Germany the following Saturday. Thursday the 18th was Paper Hearts Ballet's last recital before Lyndsy (the owner/instructor of said ballet studio) would depart. That was difficult. She and I have had a friendship of ups and downs but I have watched her grow so much over the past couple of years. We said our goodbyes that night after the recital. I miss her a lot. I'm trying to stay updated on everything she's experiencing in Germany but that's hard to do while I'm in Indiana, as I'm supposed to be spending time with family as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, I adore my in-laws and am having a blast spending time with them. It's just difficult timing because I want to keep up with her more often. Sigh.
So, she left on Saturday. We left for Indiana on Monday morning, plane left at 10:30a and we landed in Indy at about 5p. We immediately went and got some Steak n' Shake for dinner (a tradition, it seems), then headed to the house. Next morning, my mom-in-law and I went to my favorite place in all of Indiana - the antique shop in Pendleton. I have gone there every time I've come to Indiana, they just have the neatest stuff there. I get so many craft/decorating ideas going to that place. Wednesday, Chris' mom, Chris and I hit up a couple of places: Frazier's for lunch, Big Lots, an antique store, Payless, Hobby Lobby, another antique store, then home for dinner. I don't think Chris liked these trips quite as much as Connie and I did (we are both in love with antique shops, if you can't tell).
There's a lot on my mind and there are a lot of uncertainties waiting at home for us. We are praying and seeking God, and trying to go where He wants us to go.
Also, I miss my dogs a lot. Big thank you to my sweet friend Michaela for watching them while we are gone. Also... she is having a baby boy! Can't wait to meet baby Malakai!
Well, as I am currently experiencing decently stable mental health (thank You, Jesus) this post will simply be an update for all of you who care to know the happenings in my story.
I just sat and stared at the screen for a solid 30 "mississippis", not knowing where to even begin. So I will begin by simply stating:
I am in Indiana.
Why am I in Indiana? Two reasons. One, to visit my husband's side of the family (we are staying with his parents); two, we are here for the wedding of two wonderful people, Stephen and Christy.
Let's rewind a bit and lay out some of the last week's itinerary, shall we? The evening of Wednesday the 16th of May, we had a going away shindig (small scale) for my friend, Lyndsy, who was to be moving to Germany the following Saturday. Thursday the 18th was Paper Hearts Ballet's last recital before Lyndsy (the owner/instructor of said ballet studio) would depart. That was difficult. She and I have had a friendship of ups and downs but I have watched her grow so much over the past couple of years. We said our goodbyes that night after the recital. I miss her a lot. I'm trying to stay updated on everything she's experiencing in Germany but that's hard to do while I'm in Indiana, as I'm supposed to be spending time with family as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, I adore my in-laws and am having a blast spending time with them. It's just difficult timing because I want to keep up with her more often. Sigh.
So, she left on Saturday. We left for Indiana on Monday morning, plane left at 10:30a and we landed in Indy at about 5p. We immediately went and got some Steak n' Shake for dinner (a tradition, it seems), then headed to the house. Next morning, my mom-in-law and I went to my favorite place in all of Indiana - the antique shop in Pendleton. I have gone there every time I've come to Indiana, they just have the neatest stuff there. I get so many craft/decorating ideas going to that place. Wednesday, Chris' mom, Chris and I hit up a couple of places: Frazier's for lunch, Big Lots, an antique store, Payless, Hobby Lobby, another antique store, then home for dinner. I don't think Chris liked these trips quite as much as Connie and I did (we are both in love with antique shops, if you can't tell).
There's a lot on my mind and there are a lot of uncertainties waiting at home for us. We are praying and seeking God, and trying to go where He wants us to go.
Also, I miss my dogs a lot. Big thank you to my sweet friend Michaela for watching them while we are gone. Also... she is having a baby boy! Can't wait to meet baby Malakai!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Updates Galore
Man I have not had a moment to breathe or blog during this last week! Lyndsy over at Pursuit of Lyndsy rags on me all the time because it's taking me too long to write a new post. So here it is, fellas, just a little update.
I've started working on a scrapbook order (or, technically, three orders), and that has been taking up quite a bit of my time. Here's a little snippet of a page:
Tuesday night was girls night; Lyndsy and Michaela came on over to make, and more importantly, devour some food.
Our food adventures included Pizza Monkey Bread and Cinnamon-Sugar Pull Apart Muffins. Getting hungry just thinking about it. Moving on!
Wednesday night we went and had dinner at some friends' house. These friends of ours, the Casales, are embarking on quite the journey. They just bought a church building in Kansas! You can follow their awesome new adventures by reading their blog here. We are going to miss them so much. Without question, they are the most supportive, encouraging, hippiest friends I have ever had, with impeccable integrity. They are the epitome of "good listeners". I quite admire these attributes about them. I'm excited to see where God takes them, and slowly but surely my bitterness is fading! Slightly more slowly than surely.
Thursday night, right after I got off work, was ballet practice for Paper Hearts Ballet's little ballerinas. My heart is so full watching those little ones - even when they aren't being great listeners I still adore them. Next Thursday is their recital, I can't wait! I'll miss Paper Hearts during its one-year hiatus while the instructor, Lyndsy, moves to Germany for a year, but I'm thankful for the time I've been able to spend as Lyndsy's assistant.
Post ballet, Lyndsy came over. We talked and talked, like we do, and I whipped up some quick homemade brownie bites, for which I will now provide the recipe, because they were crazy delish.
Brownie Bites
2 c. sugar
1/4 c. cocoa
1/2 c. butter, softened
1/2 c. veggie oil
4 eggs
2 t. vanilla (t as in teaspoon, not tablespoon as my husband thought when he made these brownies a few weeks ago for a church potluck)
1 1/2 c. flour
1 t. salt (again... do not use 1 tablespoon of salt. So gross.)
1/2 package chocolate fudge instant pudding
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Beat together sugar, cocoa, butter, oil, eggs, and vanilla. Add flour, salt, and instant pudding, beat again. Pour into mini muffin tins (about a tablespoon of batter in each). Bake for 15 minutes (or until inserted toothpick comes out clean).
Voila!
Friday morning, Lulu (aka Lyndsy) and I went to Schnepf Farm's Peach Festival. She took a bite of her very first peach! Needless to say, she wasn't a fan. But something you ought to know about Lyndsy, she's one of the pickiest eaters you'll ever know.
Friday night we were blessed with tickets to the Diamondbacks game (with a post-game concert by Crowder Band). We went with the Charltons and Mike Beam and his daughters. I can't believe how much God provides for us through other people, it's just fascinating.
Then we come to today. Today I worked. Today I worked my last day for Jo Ann Fabrics and Crafts. But I proudly say to you, my readers, that I did not quit! A-Ha! I don't want to get into all the details and I don't want to blast the company in my blog because I still love Jo Ann's. They let me go for reasons that aren't a huge deal, it is what it is. Now I'm just on the search once again. And, looking on the bright side, now I get to go to Indiana for some friends' wedding at the end of May! So there's a half full glass for you.
Time to rest - big day tomorrow celebrating all the Mothers out there! Especially mine. Mine is the best.
:)
I've started working on a scrapbook order (or, technically, three orders), and that has been taking up quite a bit of my time. Here's a little snippet of a page:
Tuesday night was girls night; Lyndsy and Michaela came on over to make, and more importantly, devour some food.
Our food adventures included Pizza Monkey Bread and Cinnamon-Sugar Pull Apart Muffins. Getting hungry just thinking about it. Moving on!
Wednesday night we went and had dinner at some friends' house. These friends of ours, the Casales, are embarking on quite the journey. They just bought a church building in Kansas! You can follow their awesome new adventures by reading their blog here. We are going to miss them so much. Without question, they are the most supportive, encouraging, hippiest friends I have ever had, with impeccable integrity. They are the epitome of "good listeners". I quite admire these attributes about them. I'm excited to see where God takes them, and slowly but surely my bitterness is fading! Slightly more slowly than surely.
Thursday night, right after I got off work, was ballet practice for Paper Hearts Ballet's little ballerinas. My heart is so full watching those little ones - even when they aren't being great listeners I still adore them. Next Thursday is their recital, I can't wait! I'll miss Paper Hearts during its one-year hiatus while the instructor, Lyndsy, moves to Germany for a year, but I'm thankful for the time I've been able to spend as Lyndsy's assistant.
Post ballet, Lyndsy came over. We talked and talked, like we do, and I whipped up some quick homemade brownie bites, for which I will now provide the recipe, because they were crazy delish.
Brownie Bites
2 c. sugar
1/4 c. cocoa
1/2 c. butter, softened
1/2 c. veggie oil
4 eggs
2 t. vanilla (t as in teaspoon, not tablespoon as my husband thought when he made these brownies a few weeks ago for a church potluck)
1 1/2 c. flour
1 t. salt (again... do not use 1 tablespoon of salt. So gross.)
1/2 package chocolate fudge instant pudding
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Beat together sugar, cocoa, butter, oil, eggs, and vanilla. Add flour, salt, and instant pudding, beat again. Pour into mini muffin tins (about a tablespoon of batter in each). Bake for 15 minutes (or until inserted toothpick comes out clean).
Friday morning, Lulu (aka Lyndsy) and I went to Schnepf Farm's Peach Festival. She took a bite of her very first peach! Needless to say, she wasn't a fan. But something you ought to know about Lyndsy, she's one of the pickiest eaters you'll ever know.
Friday night we were blessed with tickets to the Diamondbacks game (with a post-game concert by Crowder Band). We went with the Charltons and Mike Beam and his daughters. I can't believe how much God provides for us through other people, it's just fascinating.
Then we come to today. Today I worked. Today I worked my last day for Jo Ann Fabrics and Crafts. But I proudly say to you, my readers, that I did not quit! A-Ha! I don't want to get into all the details and I don't want to blast the company in my blog because I still love Jo Ann's. They let me go for reasons that aren't a huge deal, it is what it is. Now I'm just on the search once again. And, looking on the bright side, now I get to go to Indiana for some friends' wedding at the end of May! So there's a half full glass for you.
Time to rest - big day tomorrow celebrating all the Mothers out there! Especially mine. Mine is the best.
:)
Friday, May 4, 2012
Imagine You're Making Something...
Life is made up of a series of moments. There isn't a single person who is exempt from experiencing both sides to life; good and bad. The fascinating part of the equation is the time at which good or bad happens. You can have a long streak of nothing but great experiences, you can have a long streak of bad experiences, or you can have moment-to-moment experiences of good, then bad, then good, then bad. Some say ("some" meaning my lovely husband) that most of it is in the mind. You might have a bad experience, but the only way it can affect you negatively is if you allow it. I'm fascinated by the human existence. It is a series of choices, a series of moments, a series of literally a million different things all happening at once. Most humans are multi-tasking even when they don't realize it (and even those who declare themselves to be the WORST when it comes to multi-tasking - referring to myself). For example, as I'm typing this, sitting in bed, leaning back against the wall that our bed sits against, eyes closed, not only am I deep in thought about what I'm saying and feeling, but I'm also thinking about the fact that it's too hot under this blanket but I don't want to take the blanket off because then the laptop will be sitting directly on my legs which will then make me.... well, hot. "Catch 22" - Michael Scott. Fascinating. And as you're reading this (those of you who are), you're probably also thinking about something else, however subconsciously. Maybe you're thinking about the fact that your leg itches, or maybe your mind is unintentionally lingering on harsh words someone spoke to you recently that you're still fuming over.
Regardless, I'm attempting (in circles) to get the point across that life is, for lack of a more articulate word, fascinating.
I've heard it said that there are feelers and there are thinkers. Obviously it is possible to be a mix of both, but I can say without a doubt that I am a feeler. I am not a thinker. Your thinking process is supposed to drive your emotions. You're "supposed" to be able to use logic to determine how to feel, and therefore how to react about something. For me it's the other way around. And this is without question. I am hyper-sensitive to everything. Even more disturbing, this is me years after coming to this realization about myself, therefore after years of intentionally trying to make myself more of a "thinker". Yet I am still a mess. And to be quite honest with you, I'm rather okay with being a mess. It's natural to me to have my thoughts and emotions jumbled together, intertwined with each other and wrapped around one another too far passed the point of getting any of it untangled.
My mind just leapt to memories of working at a jewelry repair shop; wearing my magnifying-glass spectacles as I attempted to unravel a tangled necklace. I still get sick pleasure from untangling things. Material things. Clearly, I've not mastered untangling my thoughts. This is no secret.
Back on point, life is indescribable. And as a hyper-sensitive feeler, it is a mangled web. As a believer, I am in awe of His creation. Constant self-reflection tends to point me only to Him. Close your eyes and think of absolutely nothing for five seconds. Then close your eyes and think of absolutely everything - everything you have going on, everything on your to-do list, everything that's making you feel sad, everything that's making you feel happy, everything that's weighing on your shoulders, everything you've been contemplating. There is an emotion attached to each thought. Sadness, loss, thankfulness, anxiety, pressure, joy, love, hurt. I just don't understand how we can all be apart of this world (stop singing the Little Mermaid song and focus) where we are so exponentially small and seemingly insignificant... and not embrace that we were beautifully and wonderfully and specifically made completely indivdiual from every other person that exists. Those of you in the medical field MUST know that there is an exact science to the way we function. Is it just coincidence that we were made with a grip of fat and muscle on our rear end to make it more comfortable to sit down? Did that just happen by chance when we were formed by "some kind of single-celled object"? Was it by chance that we had hair grow above our eyes to keep sweat from falling directly into them? How is it that our organs are all made to each play a vital role in our being alive. We were specifically designed. We were carefully crafted.
Imagine you're making something. Something very special. Something that you pour everything into - so much so that you even make it in your image and specifically give it your likeness. This is something that you treasure. This is something that you adore to a point that words couldn't possibly explain. You want to spend your time with your creation, you want to admire it. Imagine the feeling of that beautiful, special treasure wanting nothing to do with you; even denying your existence; denying it was made by you. Even denying that it is special at all. It looks for love from other sources because you're not good enough.
Imagine. Though, you'll never really be able to imagine. Nor will I. You were made. You were carefully crafted to be able to think and feel and have particular passions and skills and a one-of-a-kind personality.
This life is so precious. Being alive is so precious. Throughout coincidences and choices, as life is beautiful and as life is tragic, remember that you were made by the most brilliant Maker. He is so in love with you and proud of you. He doesn't ask for anything in return, He doesn't need any of our favors or any of our religious obligations. He just wants us to acknowledge Him, love Him and be thankful to Him for choosing us, the undeserved, to play a role in His epic story. And it sure is one EPIC story.
This is supposed to be a craft blog. But honestly, it's just an everything blog. Just a heads up for you.
Regardless, I'm attempting (in circles) to get the point across that life is, for lack of a more articulate word, fascinating.
I've heard it said that there are feelers and there are thinkers. Obviously it is possible to be a mix of both, but I can say without a doubt that I am a feeler. I am not a thinker. Your thinking process is supposed to drive your emotions. You're "supposed" to be able to use logic to determine how to feel, and therefore how to react about something. For me it's the other way around. And this is without question. I am hyper-sensitive to everything. Even more disturbing, this is me years after coming to this realization about myself, therefore after years of intentionally trying to make myself more of a "thinker". Yet I am still a mess. And to be quite honest with you, I'm rather okay with being a mess. It's natural to me to have my thoughts and emotions jumbled together, intertwined with each other and wrapped around one another too far passed the point of getting any of it untangled.
My mind just leapt to memories of working at a jewelry repair shop; wearing my magnifying-glass spectacles as I attempted to unravel a tangled necklace. I still get sick pleasure from untangling things. Material things. Clearly, I've not mastered untangling my thoughts. This is no secret.
Back on point, life is indescribable. And as a hyper-sensitive feeler, it is a mangled web. As a believer, I am in awe of His creation. Constant self-reflection tends to point me only to Him. Close your eyes and think of absolutely nothing for five seconds. Then close your eyes and think of absolutely everything - everything you have going on, everything on your to-do list, everything that's making you feel sad, everything that's making you feel happy, everything that's weighing on your shoulders, everything you've been contemplating. There is an emotion attached to each thought. Sadness, loss, thankfulness, anxiety, pressure, joy, love, hurt. I just don't understand how we can all be apart of this world (stop singing the Little Mermaid song and focus) where we are so exponentially small and seemingly insignificant... and not embrace that we were beautifully and wonderfully and specifically made completely indivdiual from every other person that exists. Those of you in the medical field MUST know that there is an exact science to the way we function. Is it just coincidence that we were made with a grip of fat and muscle on our rear end to make it more comfortable to sit down? Did that just happen by chance when we were formed by "some kind of single-celled object"? Was it by chance that we had hair grow above our eyes to keep sweat from falling directly into them? How is it that our organs are all made to each play a vital role in our being alive. We were specifically designed. We were carefully crafted.
Imagine you're making something. Something very special. Something that you pour everything into - so much so that you even make it in your image and specifically give it your likeness. This is something that you treasure. This is something that you adore to a point that words couldn't possibly explain. You want to spend your time with your creation, you want to admire it. Imagine the feeling of that beautiful, special treasure wanting nothing to do with you; even denying your existence; denying it was made by you. Even denying that it is special at all. It looks for love from other sources because you're not good enough.
Imagine. Though, you'll never really be able to imagine. Nor will I. You were made. You were carefully crafted to be able to think and feel and have particular passions and skills and a one-of-a-kind personality.
This life is so precious. Being alive is so precious. Throughout coincidences and choices, as life is beautiful and as life is tragic, remember that you were made by the most brilliant Maker. He is so in love with you and proud of you. He doesn't ask for anything in return, He doesn't need any of our favors or any of our religious obligations. He just wants us to acknowledge Him, love Him and be thankful to Him for choosing us, the undeserved, to play a role in His epic story. And it sure is one EPIC story.
This is supposed to be a craft blog. But honestly, it's just an everything blog. Just a heads up for you.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Days Like This
Song playing - Van Morrison's "Days Like This". You've got to listen to it while reading my post to get the emotion just right.
Rest of the house, still and sleeping. Sitting down now with a long, precious exhale. Now would be the perfect time for some Pinot Noir, Irony Wine's style.
Things on my mind:
Them. My sweet, hilarious Keira and Miana. Newly declared the "Crazy Krenzs".
Her. My insane best friend. She drives me completely crazy, she typically doesn't make any sense, but she is who she is. I'm quite sad that she's moving to Germany, but I can't wait to hear all of her new and exciting stories about it. If you want to hear them too, make sure you follow her blog: http://pursuitoflyndsy.blogspot.com.
Today we went through all of her stuff. It made it feel a little too real that she's leaving, but like I said, what an adventure for her!
I'm left thinking about my own story. What kind of story am I living right now? What kind of adventures are Chris and I experiencing? To be honest, it doesn't feel like we are having too many adventures. We're not flying off to some other country, or even traveling anywhere within our own vicinity really. If you count trying to pay the bills as an exciting adventure, then I suppose we've got quite the adventure in front of us! And I'm not meaning to complain. I love that man, I love our beautiful life together. But things have been so low, I long to take a deep breath. I look forward to this season ending and the next season beginning. What that season will look like, I have no clue. That's sort of an adventure, right? Experiencing each different season of life. Each season has its own purpose of course, and I'm sure someday I will look back on this time with gratitude for the pruning that's happening. But for now I'm okay with sitting in divine doubt, prayerfully seeking wisdom, discernment, grace, patience, love.
Well I must remember, there'll be days like this.
Ash
Monday, April 30, 2012
Unbearable
Warning: Men should not read this post. It has to do with womanly issues. Here's a different website for you to go to: http://www.harborfreight.com/. Thank you.
Today has been rough.
Actually, the past few days have been rough, but today took it to a whole new caliber. Let's just say I've not been feeling well. Since the beginning, each month contributes a certain life-halting level of pain. But on this day, this Monday, a day on which I had a number of things to do on my To-Do List - things that don't do themselves, the pain was unbearable. To the point of considering going in to get myself checked out. And when you're broke with no insurance, going in to get something checked is a VERY big deal. I think we have taken a trip to the doctor's office once in our three years of being together (my husband and I). It came out of nowhere at about 10:00a - which wasn't going to fly because I had a special date with Krenz #4 at 11:00a - specifically stabbing in my right side in the front. I imagine the pain was coming from an ovary. It literally brought me to my knees as I was paralyzed on the bathroom floor, toilet seat propped open as a direct result of the intense nausea I was feeling (and have been feeling the past several days). I could not move. I sobbed at the feeling of not having any option other than to lie there and let it run its course. Thankfully my husband (my knight in shining armor) heard me and came in to see if I was okay. I didn't feel okay. He asked if he needed to take me to the doctor and I, being a combination of stubborn and broke, insisted that he should not take me; though in my mind all I could think was, "Yes, please, because there something is wrong." After a while on the bathroom floor with him comforting me, I was able to walk to the bed. He kept making jokes to try to make me feel better, saying, "Okay, pretend I'm a cute doctor and you're in the hospital. 'Can you rate your pain for me?'". He asked me several times, and each time the number went down. Finally around 10:40p I was feeling okay, and I got out of bed and cleaned up a bit before Anaya came. My face was a disaster. Mascara, crying, and resting your face on your arm will cause you to look horrifying. Anaya came over, I was feeling okay, Michaela came over to Skype, I was still feeling okay. But sometime around noon the pain came back and I had to have Chris (again, my knight in shining armor) play with little Anaya while I just laid in the fetal position on the couch. After she was picked up around 12:40p I went into bed and fell asleep. Until 4:15p.
During all of this, and within this current moment, the song that the ONEkids sang in service yesterday has been stuck in my head. "Inside out, that's what it's all about, dare to live, dare to shine from the inside out." Over, and over, and over. Because of the way my mind works, and perhaps yours as well, this song will always remind me of this day.
I'll see the doctor sometime soon. I hope you enjoyed this graphic blog post!
Today has been rough.
Actually, the past few days have been rough, but today took it to a whole new caliber. Let's just say I've not been feeling well. Since the beginning, each month contributes a certain life-halting level of pain. But on this day, this Monday, a day on which I had a number of things to do on my To-Do List - things that don't do themselves, the pain was unbearable. To the point of considering going in to get myself checked out. And when you're broke with no insurance, going in to get something checked is a VERY big deal. I think we have taken a trip to the doctor's office once in our three years of being together (my husband and I). It came out of nowhere at about 10:00a - which wasn't going to fly because I had a special date with Krenz #4 at 11:00a - specifically stabbing in my right side in the front. I imagine the pain was coming from an ovary. It literally brought me to my knees as I was paralyzed on the bathroom floor, toilet seat propped open as a direct result of the intense nausea I was feeling (and have been feeling the past several days). I could not move. I sobbed at the feeling of not having any option other than to lie there and let it run its course. Thankfully my husband (my knight in shining armor) heard me and came in to see if I was okay. I didn't feel okay. He asked if he needed to take me to the doctor and I, being a combination of stubborn and broke, insisted that he should not take me; though in my mind all I could think was, "Yes, please, because there something is wrong." After a while on the bathroom floor with him comforting me, I was able to walk to the bed. He kept making jokes to try to make me feel better, saying, "Okay, pretend I'm a cute doctor and you're in the hospital. 'Can you rate your pain for me?'". He asked me several times, and each time the number went down. Finally around 10:40p I was feeling okay, and I got out of bed and cleaned up a bit before Anaya came. My face was a disaster. Mascara, crying, and resting your face on your arm will cause you to look horrifying. Anaya came over, I was feeling okay, Michaela came over to Skype, I was still feeling okay. But sometime around noon the pain came back and I had to have Chris (again, my knight in shining armor) play with little Anaya while I just laid in the fetal position on the couch. After she was picked up around 12:40p I went into bed and fell asleep. Until 4:15p.
During all of this, and within this current moment, the song that the ONEkids sang in service yesterday has been stuck in my head. "Inside out, that's what it's all about, dare to live, dare to shine from the inside out." Over, and over, and over. Because of the way my mind works, and perhaps yours as well, this song will always remind me of this day.
I'll see the doctor sometime soon. I hope you enjoyed this graphic blog post!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Like Spoiled Children
I've started reading a new book, and God has already been graciously altering my perspective on life. I'd like to share an excerpt from that book.
"Back when I got out of high school, I used to think about stuff like that all the time. It was a phase, I think, but i used to suddenly realize I was alive and human. I felt like I was in a movie and had two cameras for eyes, and I'd swivel my head around as though I were moving my cameras atop a tripod. I even wrote a poem about it and said we were 'spirit bound by flesh, held up by bone and trapped in time.' Back then I wondered why nobody else realized what a crazy experience we were all having. Back then I'd be lying in bed or walking down a hallway at college, and the realization I was alive would startle me, as though it had come up from behind and slammed two books together. We get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here. When you are born, you wake slowly to everything. Your brain doesn't stop growing until you turn twenty-six, so from birth to twenty-six, God is slowly turning the lights on, and you're groggy and pointing at things saying circle and blue and car and then sex and job and health care. The experience is so slow you could easily come to believe life isn't that big of a deal, that life isn't staggering. What I'm saying is I think life is staggering and we're just used to it. We are all like spoiled children no longer impressed with the gifts we're given - it's just another sunset, just another rainstorm moving in over the mountain, just another child being born, just another funeral."
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller (page 58)
How can you read this and not feel enlightened, how could you not want to take more delicate note of the beauty around you?
"Back when I got out of high school, I used to think about stuff like that all the time. It was a phase, I think, but i used to suddenly realize I was alive and human. I felt like I was in a movie and had two cameras for eyes, and I'd swivel my head around as though I were moving my cameras atop a tripod. I even wrote a poem about it and said we were 'spirit bound by flesh, held up by bone and trapped in time.' Back then I wondered why nobody else realized what a crazy experience we were all having. Back then I'd be lying in bed or walking down a hallway at college, and the realization I was alive would startle me, as though it had come up from behind and slammed two books together. We get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here. When you are born, you wake slowly to everything. Your brain doesn't stop growing until you turn twenty-six, so from birth to twenty-six, God is slowly turning the lights on, and you're groggy and pointing at things saying circle and blue and car and then sex and job and health care. The experience is so slow you could easily come to believe life isn't that big of a deal, that life isn't staggering. What I'm saying is I think life is staggering and we're just used to it. We are all like spoiled children no longer impressed with the gifts we're given - it's just another sunset, just another rainstorm moving in over the mountain, just another child being born, just another funeral."
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller (page 58)
How can you read this and not feel enlightened, how could you not want to take more delicate note of the beauty around you?
Meaning and Gratefulness
Life can be frustrating. Did you know this? Have you experienced this? If you're human, I'm assuming you have.
I FINALLY know what I'm meant to do (or at least I have a glimpse into it), but it is sort of an up-front investment. Creating things, whether crafts or food (mostly desserts, my weakness), is what I'm meant to do. Preferably I 'd love to do it specifically for churches (or, more specifically, my wonderful church, ONE Community Church). But right now I long to make and sell crafts in lieu of getting a second part-time job. The bummer, though? It costs money! I have so many ideas of new things I want to make but we just don't have the moo-la to buy the supplies. However, I'm definitely thankful to know what I'm meant to be doing. It has been a long journey, trust me. I've been asking God about this for quite some time. It has caused great heartache in me in particular moments. For the past few years, I've felt such pressure to figure out what skill(s) God has given to me. It's been difficult for me to keep the meaningless jobs I've had (and typically, I do not keep them for long!), and I've felt extremely lost as a person. Of course, I had so many people telling me that I was trying too hard to find my identity in my vocation as opposed to in Christ, which is where it should be found. But I haven't felt as though that's exactly been the case. I know who I am, I know that I've given up my life to have true life in relationship with Him. But I felt purposeless. And here's where you might throw in the Great Commission scripture, that my only purpose is to GO and introduce others to Jesus, regardless of where I am. And while that's true, I longed to do that through an outlet I was actually passionate about (this does not include smoothie-making jobs, pet grooming jobs, credit union jobs, bookstore-with-ridiculously-unattainable-sales-goals jobs, sign spinning jobs, bank jobs, or liquor store jobs) - yes, I just briefly described seven of the jobs I've had within the past 3 years, and I might even be forgetting one or two, and this list doesn't include the job I have currently.
Finally I feel like I've found it. Someday it'd be great to make crafts and just give them to whomever is in need of them (need, being used loosely here). But right now, with our finances as they are, I'm hoping to be able to pay some bills by selling the things I make. I'm thinking of doing a monthly Saturday Sale in my front driveway to avoid shipping nonsense. Chris and I have already discussed investing in the gadget you get for the iPad to be able to accept debit cards (it's $10 or so). My husband works 20 hours per week for our awesome church as the Worship Director. On the side of that, he's wanting to start teaching guitar lessons for $15 for half an hour, once a week per student.
Just letting you into my brain, that's all.
Basically, I'm just saying that if you could help out by passing this information along (Homemade by Ashley merchandise or Chris' guitar lessons), we would so appreciate it.
I'm so thankful that we have the strong marriage that we do. I can only credit God for that. Given the times we're experiencing now, I'm so grateful that we're such a great team and handle it so well.
Today we went to the grocery store for a couple of things; dog food, toilet paper, and some bananas. Our debit card was declined as we were trying to purchase the dog food. We looked to see how much was in our account, to find we had $0.24 to our name. Then, we calmly cancelled the transaction, took the dog food back, and got a smaller bag that we could afford with some cash I'd just been paid for substitute-teaching a ballet class. As we took these groceries out to our car, we looked at each other, smiled, and Chris said, "Well, at least it keeps things exciting." To which I replied, "That's exactly what I was thinking."
I'm not telling you this for any kind of attention or pity. I'm using this as an example of what I love about our marriage. In crappy situations, we remember to Whom we belong, and we lean on Him and each other for as much contentment and optimism as we can grasp. We move on, and we try to find solutions. There are a couple of prospects for each of us for some more money that we're looking into. We will see how they pan out, but no matter what, I'm SO grateful to have a great Father who adores us and takes care of us, and a great husband. I love being part of Team Gwaltney. :)
Friday, April 13, 2012
{Updates!}
Just some picture updates of the garden. Can you tell that I'm a little obsessed?
This is what happens to broccoli when you let it grow out:
Brussel Sprouts with leaves the size of my face, yet it's not producing any brussel sprouts:
Carrots growing!
Green onions:
Someday, these will (hopefully) become strawberries:
Peas! Growing like crazy.
Also, I had my orientation for Jo-Ann today, and it was awesome! So that's fun. :)
This is what happens to broccoli when you let it grow out:
Brussel Sprouts with leaves the size of my face, yet it's not producing any brussel sprouts:
Carrots growing!
Green onions:
Someday, these will (hopefully) become strawberries:
Peas! Growing like crazy.
Also, I had my orientation for Jo-Ann today, and it was awesome! So that's fun. :)
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Such Great Heights
I feel very thankful. What do I feel thankful for, you ask? Well, let me tell you, friend!
Today I had an interview for Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft, and I got it. Granted, it's a new store, so a LOT of people got it. This doesn't subtract from my excitement, though. I don't start until April 22nd, however, so it looks like I'll be at BevMo a while longer. I'm still unsure what to do on that front - stay at both? Who knows, we'll see.
I'm thankful for Jimbo and Michaela Hines. They're such sweet people - if you don't know them you're truly missing out. For no specific reason they surprised Chris and me with a AMC gift card and candy! Perfect timing, too, as they delivered said surprise on Saturday while I was enduring my first day of work, and let me tell you, that was a great thing to come home to that evening.
I'm thankful that I got to go on a date with my husband today - we used the AMC gift card. Seeing movies is one of my all time favorite things to do so it was pretty glorious.
I'm thankful for getting to spend so much time with such great friends. Tonight is movie night again with the Krenzs. More people that you ought to know!
I'm thankful that my peas are growing so well! It's very surprising how quickly they've grown, and I'm now starting to see the actually peas growing from the constantly-climbing stem! This is very exciting.
Life is such a roller coaster, but I'm thankful to be up high rather than down low. Or... maybe not, since I'm terrified of heights.
Today I had an interview for Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft, and I got it. Granted, it's a new store, so a LOT of people got it. This doesn't subtract from my excitement, though. I don't start until April 22nd, however, so it looks like I'll be at BevMo a while longer. I'm still unsure what to do on that front - stay at both? Who knows, we'll see.
I'm thankful for Jimbo and Michaela Hines. They're such sweet people - if you don't know them you're truly missing out. For no specific reason they surprised Chris and me with a AMC gift card and candy! Perfect timing, too, as they delivered said surprise on Saturday while I was enduring my first day of work, and let me tell you, that was a great thing to come home to that evening.
I'm thankful that I got to go on a date with my husband today - we used the AMC gift card. Seeing movies is one of my all time favorite things to do so it was pretty glorious.
I'm thankful for getting to spend so much time with such great friends. Tonight is movie night again with the Krenzs. More people that you ought to know!
I'm thankful that my peas are growing so well! It's very surprising how quickly they've grown, and I'm now starting to see the actually peas growing from the constantly-climbing stem! This is very exciting.
Life is such a roller coaster, but I'm thankful to be up high rather than down low. Or... maybe not, since I'm terrified of heights.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
{Bamble Rhymes with Ramble}
Call the National Guard, I'm blogging twice in one day!
I just needed to get this off of my chest:
I am an absolute mess. My gosh. Just read through my old blog posts - I completely exhausted myself emotionally! But can I let you in on a little secret? Two years have passed since I wrote those posts... and nothing has changed. I'm still a mess. I'm just a more guilty mess who tries to fit into the shell everyone tries to put me in. "You need to do this." "Why are you doing that? That's not right."
Part of me likes to be a stir-crazy flake, I think. If I'm allowed to be totally honest. That's part of the bummer about being friends with people way older than me. They've already lived through this stuff so with every move I make I'm being given the steps I "should" take, by my sweet friends with truly good intentions. Is it completely crazy that I kind of want to just be my messed up self and be allowed to make stupid mistakes while I figure things out? My messy times are so much more beautiful than my "trying to do everything right" times. Not that I'm not trying and not that I'm saying I don't want to try, I do. I just want it to be okay with everyone when I fail.
Sigh. Such is life.
I just needed to get this off of my chest:
I am an absolute mess. My gosh. Just read through my old blog posts - I completely exhausted myself emotionally! But can I let you in on a little secret? Two years have passed since I wrote those posts... and nothing has changed. I'm still a mess. I'm just a more guilty mess who tries to fit into the shell everyone tries to put me in. "You need to do this." "Why are you doing that? That's not right."
Part of me likes to be a stir-crazy flake, I think. If I'm allowed to be totally honest. That's part of the bummer about being friends with people way older than me. They've already lived through this stuff so with every move I make I'm being given the steps I "should" take, by my sweet friends with truly good intentions. Is it completely crazy that I kind of want to just be my messed up self and be allowed to make stupid mistakes while I figure things out? My messy times are so much more beautiful than my "trying to do everything right" times. Not that I'm not trying and not that I'm saying I don't want to try, I do. I just want it to be okay with everyone when I fail.
Sigh. Such is life.
Updates and Nails
Quite a lot of new things to share! That's fun. I've been waiting to blog until I actually had something to blog about - then I started having things to blog about but didn't have the time to do it! So this is neat.
Breathe... and... here we go.
Quick updates:
Garden is growing well! I think I've gotten all the broccoli from my broccoli plants that I'm going to get. It's getting too hot out there for their taste. The peas are growing really well! I don't have a picture and I don't feel like taking one right now, but they're about a foot high off of the ground. Brussel sprouts are getting way big, so that's fun. I've got about 10 carrots growing now. Also, I planted a strawberry plant! Needed some fruit out there. We'll see how that goes.
I did get the job at BevMo and my Jo-Ann Fabric interview is this Wednesday - so we will see how that goes. Sigh. More to say about that later.
Let me add that we have The Office on currently so if I type a sentence that doesn't make sense, blame Steven Carell.
Chris' 26th birthday was this past Wednesday, and we had a great time; it was a very relaxing day. We were given tickets to the Diamondbacks' last training game. Beautiful weather, great seats, it was awesome. Then we went to our friends' house for cake, which you can see here:
Breathe... and... here we go.
Quick updates:
Garden is growing well! I think I've gotten all the broccoli from my broccoli plants that I'm going to get. It's getting too hot out there for their taste. The peas are growing really well! I don't have a picture and I don't feel like taking one right now, but they're about a foot high off of the ground. Brussel sprouts are getting way big, so that's fun. I've got about 10 carrots growing now. Also, I planted a strawberry plant! Needed some fruit out there. We'll see how that goes.
I did get the job at BevMo and my Jo-Ann Fabric interview is this Wednesday - so we will see how that goes. Sigh. More to say about that later.
Let me add that we have The Office on currently so if I type a sentence that doesn't make sense, blame Steven Carell.
Chris' 26th birthday was this past Wednesday, and we had a great time; it was a very relaxing day. We were given tickets to the Diamondbacks' last training game. Beautiful weather, great seats, it was awesome. Then we went to our friends' house for cake, which you can see here:
This was when Shannon spilled Chris' piece of cake on his lap. Anika thought it was pretty funny that Uncle Chris had a piece of cake on his lap. :)
Thursday I had my 7:30a-4p Training Day for BevMo in Scottsdale. It went well, it was nice to be on a level playing field with the other new guys. Unfortunately, mid-day I got a gnarly migraine that lasted into the evening. Speaking of which, that night was the first night of the season for Paper Hearts Ballet! If you don't know what Paper Hearts Ballet is, you've got to check out our Facebook page! http://www.facebook.com/PaperHeartsBallet - make sure you go there and contact Miss Lyndsy, the instructor. The season may have started but you can still join in!
Friday. Now Friday was especially epic. ONE Community Church had its first Good Friday service. What we did was we had five "Stations of the Cross", each "station" highlighted a different moment in Jesus' final hours. Here are a few photos I took after everyone had gone:
Station 1 - The Last Supper
We had reading material prepared for everyone to read as they went through each station, and in this first station people were able to partake in Communion, giving thanks for Jesus giving His body and blood for us.
Station 2 - The Garden of Gethsemane
This station encouraged each person to focus on prayer. There's something powerful about going away by yourself and kneeling in humbleness while speaking with God.
Station 3 - Jesus is Beaten and Mocked // The Crucifixion
This room was really difficult for me to plan. It felt all too real to lay the nails out on the table for people to use to hammer into the wood. And that act, hammering the nails into the wood when I went through the stations after everyone had left, was an incredibly emotional act. I placed the nail on the wood where I planned to hit it in, I lifted the mallet, and just began to weep. All I could think is, "Because of man's sins (including mine, of course), Jesus had to die. He took those nails so I don't have to." And in that moment, I felt the reality of the pain He went through. Of course, I can't even imagine it to the extent that it actually happened, but when I finally hit that nail into the wood, I felt such sorrow for what He had to go through for people who may or may not even care about Him. Some people don't even realize what He did for them. I so wish they would meet Him and thank Him for saving them from going through what He went through.
Station 4 - The Crucifixion Continued
In this station, we showed a clip of The Crucifixion from the movie, "The Gospel of John". I didn't get a picture of it because it was too dark in the room. But it was very hard to WATCH what happened to Jesus as opposed to reading it. I have no words.
Station 5 - The Tomb
This is the only good picture I got of this station. Shown in the picture above are the spices used for burial in Jesus' time; they were used on the body to prevent decaying. There was another table in this station with candles for people to light in remembrance and thankfulness for His sacrifice.
It was beautiful and sorrowful. A very deep experience that I will not forget.
Then Saturday happened. Saturday was not a good day. Saturday was my first official day working for BevMo. I won't get into full detail, but I can honestly say I hated every minute of it. A seriously bad day and I'm sad that I have to go back. Being an adult is lame sometimes. Obligation doesn't sit well with me. But, I'm sure most of you know that.
Brighter note, Easter service with ONE Community Church was just amazing today. I feel like my soul took a long, full breath of air. I just want to relish in that for as long as I can. What a beautiful, living Savior. I hope all of you meet Him as soon as you can if you haven't already. He loves you so much.
Tonight we're going to my parents' house for an Easter dinner. I can't wait to share with them about what happened on Good Friday, and celebrate with them the life we have in Jesus. Happy Easter, everyone. :)
Ash
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Motion
First, please allow me to start off by showing you this:
The trellis I built for my peas. Simple, and efficient. They've grown so quickly, I love it! Quick updates, broccoli and brussel sprouts are fine and have pretty much gotten over their "transplant shock". Lettuce is growing well, and I now have nine carrot sprouts. Green onions are also growing much more now than they did initially when I'd planted them - which I find interesting. And there are about a dozen green onions growing in the same area as my peas, another thing I'm finding very interesting.
The trellis I built for my peas. Simple, and efficient. They've grown so quickly, I love it! Quick updates, broccoli and brussel sprouts are fine and have pretty much gotten over their "transplant shock". Lettuce is growing well, and I now have nine carrot sprouts. Green onions are also growing much more now than they did initially when I'd planted them - which I find interesting. And there are about a dozen green onions growing in the same area as my peas, another thing I'm finding very interesting.
Job update:
I had an interview on Tuesday for BevMo in Queen Creek - it went well, today I went for my drug test. Dilemma - it's only 20 hrs/week (not quite enough to pay the bills). Another dilemma - I've got an interview for Jo-Ann Fabric & Crafts on Wednesday the 11th of April. I suppose my hope is that I'll just work part-time for both. We'll see what God says, I just pray for the ability to hear Him.
Life update:
Chris and I went and saw The Hunger Games today (the beauty of birthday gifts). Having read the book, I was a little disappointed. But it was entertaining. Chris wasn't a fan - put it in the same gut-wrenching category as District 9 and Slumdog Millionaire. Regardless, I look forward to seeing the movie-adaptions of the sequels. I would like to thank my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law for getting me hooked on The Hunger Games series.
Also, Chris and I, for TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW, watched Harry Potter with our close friends, Mark and Shannon, who are typically not into that genre of movie - and they're actually enjoying them! This is pretty much a dream come true of mine. Next one on the agenda: HP6. Can't wait.
Other things going on in my life:
Laundry.
Dishes.
Cooking.
Applications.
Listening and attempting to be still.
Obsession for yard work starting to fade now that the weeds in the backyard are all picked up and the yard is in good shape. Looking to get another $0.20 packet of seeds to plant. Any suggestions? I'd love to plant some fruit. I was daydreaming today of someday owning lemon trees, orange trees, peach trees, apple trees, and fig trees. I'm learning patience in this way - as I refuse to plant them until we buy a home (which most likely won't be for several years). But for now I'm more than happy to "settle" on fruit that does NOT grow from a tree.
Now I need to focus my extra time on making more items for the Queen Creek Art Festival happening on April 21st. Updates to follow regarding this.
Thankful for life's motion.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Inconsistencies
I would just love to be better about blogging, I think it would help my sanity to type my mixed-up thoughts out. And I bet my one loyal reader, my mother, would like to be able to keep up better with things going on in my life/mind. So this may all be nonsense to you, but I'm okay with that.
As usual, I'm trying to figure out what God is wanting me to do with my life. I've been, however, confirmed in this fact: I'm extremely impatient. God wants to fix this in me. So, I'm determined to get a job, and STAY there. If you know me at all, you know I am not the hardest worker by the average, societal standard. I work well and I work efficiently, but not with people. I am too impatient for people. I'm such a good Christian. (Rim shot).
Once I get a job (work in progress) and a schedule along with it, I hope to start some college classes soon thereafter. What classes, you ask? Funny, that's what I have been asking myself, too! Partly I'm considering a business class... Because I have a desire to one day own/co-own a coffee shop. But I don't know if that is my purpose right NOW, so I'm also considering just taking courses of things I enjoy (e.g. History, English) and MAYBE something will become clear through that.
As for right now as I'm trying to get a job, I keep myself plenty busy. Mostly doing yard work and work in my vegetable garden, cleaning, spending daily time with God, helping friends with things in their lives. It's been a nice time but I'm ready to get my stuff together. We long to get out of debt and start saving our money well, and right now we just aren't able to do that. We have been unfathomably blessed by Jesus during this time though. I am just speechless over His provision.
Fun fact, I just turned 21 on Wednesday! I had such a great birthday, it was just a blast - thanks to my husband, my sweet friends, and my terrific family. Now Chris' birthday is next, on the 4th of April. He'll be 26! What an old man.
Before I end this post, I'm trying to find a group of people to team up to start a ONE Community Garden at ONE Central. So far we are at 4 people, but I would love to get some more people to join in! There are great possibilities that could come out of this at harvest time, I would love to meet with people interested to get ideas and get to work by the end of April. If you're interested please let me know via email: ashleylgwaltney@gmail.com.
Ash
As usual, I'm trying to figure out what God is wanting me to do with my life. I've been, however, confirmed in this fact: I'm extremely impatient. God wants to fix this in me. So, I'm determined to get a job, and STAY there. If you know me at all, you know I am not the hardest worker by the average, societal standard. I work well and I work efficiently, but not with people. I am too impatient for people. I'm such a good Christian. (Rim shot).
Once I get a job (work in progress) and a schedule along with it, I hope to start some college classes soon thereafter. What classes, you ask? Funny, that's what I have been asking myself, too! Partly I'm considering a business class... Because I have a desire to one day own/co-own a coffee shop. But I don't know if that is my purpose right NOW, so I'm also considering just taking courses of things I enjoy (e.g. History, English) and MAYBE something will become clear through that.
As for right now as I'm trying to get a job, I keep myself plenty busy. Mostly doing yard work and work in my vegetable garden, cleaning, spending daily time with God, helping friends with things in their lives. It's been a nice time but I'm ready to get my stuff together. We long to get out of debt and start saving our money well, and right now we just aren't able to do that. We have been unfathomably blessed by Jesus during this time though. I am just speechless over His provision.
Fun fact, I just turned 21 on Wednesday! I had such a great birthday, it was just a blast - thanks to my husband, my sweet friends, and my terrific family. Now Chris' birthday is next, on the 4th of April. He'll be 26! What an old man.
Before I end this post, I'm trying to find a group of people to team up to start a ONE Community Garden at ONE Central. So far we are at 4 people, but I would love to get some more people to join in! There are great possibilities that could come out of this at harvest time, I would love to meet with people interested to get ideas and get to work by the end of April. If you're interested please let me know via email: ashleylgwaltney@gmail.com.
Ash
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