Patience with God

I'm really struggling with patience. Not patience with people here around me, patience with God. Which, in my opinion, is way worse than struggling with patience with people, though that's not great either. I know all the cliche (but very true) statements, "It's all in God's timing." "God's timing is perfect." Trust me, I remind myself of this more often than you know.

I was good about it for a while, this issue. Sometimes I'm able to push these feelings way, way, way down to make myself feel better about the fact that it's just not going to happen anytime soon. But they surface. They always surface.

I want a baby so badly. My heart literally aches when I think about the absence of one in my life, or when someone starts talking about their babies or being pregnant (which always comes up in my life since nearly everyone I know has babies and kids or is about to). I am so happy for them. I seriously am. It wouldn't be as much of an issue, probably, if I didn't keep dreaming these incredibly detailed, seemingly real dreams that Chris and I have a baby. They're always those really long dreams where it's one swift story, not a bizarre dream broken into five separate stories wherein I carry a parrot on my shoulder the whole time, just to keep things dream-like. No, they're very real and they happen all too often. I cry when I wake up from these stupid dreams because I realize that baby in my dream that I was in love with doesn't actually exist. It's happened to the point of me begging God to not let it happen again. Then I get to go on with my day like nothing happened and see everyone else's babies and hear their news of being pregnant. Which, again, I am happy for all my friends in these stages, and these are babies that I adore. Doesn't make it any easier to talk about, though.

It might sound silly, and you might think it's something I should be able to flip off, like a switch. Temporarily, maybe. Or I just don't talk about it for a while and try to convince myself that, "Hey, that's fine, it just won't happen right now. That's fine. Totally fine with that. Fine." But it always comes back.

Praying for patience. And contentment.