Today I am a messy, heartbroken, super emotional woman.
My heart often aches due to the fact that I'm just a very conflicted person. 80% of the time, there's some sort of inner-disaster happening. It is ALWAYS caused by confusion. My confusion. In this world, so often, the whole idea of "What would Jesus do?" absolutely eludes me. To the point of being... this. A mess. Even the FACT that I am so conflicted makes me feel more conflicted because I can't help but think, "I shouldn't be so conflicted all the time!"
If you're thinking, "Yikes Ashley, calm down, what on earth are you feeling so conflicted about?" Thank you for asking. Most things, friend. Honestly. Most things involving God-honoring behavior in this world vs. what comes naturally due to sin. For example, the fact that I have a nice house, but I want a NICER house. The fact that I am slowly learning about gardening and fully enjoying it, but I want a BIGGER garden. The fact that I have decorations in my house, but I want CUTER decorations. "The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate." -Paul as written in Romans 7.
I realize that it seems like I'm putting way too much weight on the "works" scale as opposed to the "already-saved-by-believing-and-loving-Christ-Jesus-and-I-need-to-rest-in-that" scale. But the conflict is deeper than that. It's not just the thought of, "Oh man, I suck at being Christian." It's the battle between the normal desires of this world that are somehow programmed into us and the desire to live a life that looks DIFFERENT. A life where you're okay with not having "fancy" things, or new clothes, or going on vacations every year, or going shoppingshoppingshopping all the time for new home decorations like you're supposed to do when you're a twenty-something and beyond. I don't believe God sees those as sin in themselves, but how much do we all bow down to them, making idols out of them? Too often, we don't find contentment in being children of an Uncreated God, who have been given the wonderful burden of caring for lost sheep, and we instead find our joy in tangible items. That is what is normal in our society. The "American Dream" says that it is weird to have an old, junky car. It says that it's weird to not have the day-job that you hate, so you can buy things you don't need, to impress people you don't like, and you have that job all through your life because you need to suck it up and just do it because that's what you're supposed to do. These things aggravate me for two reasons. First, because I desire to see Christian lives look different from nonChristian lives in ways that aren't just subtle little sprinkles. Second, because I fall into the same traps and it gets old and I'm really tired of it. I think about my house and all the fancy stuff that I have that is SO not necessary. I own a wooden box that holds bread in it. Why? Because the bread looks silly sitting on the counter and I want it on the counter so it's easily accessible! That is dumb! I own a room that is used to house my broken car and a bunch of JUNK that is in some kind of limbo/tug-o-war because some things I MIGHT want to keep but I don't ACTUALLY want it in the house, but I can't seem to get rid of it because some day I "might just need it". I have a nightstand on my side of the bed and a nightstand on my husband's side of the bed. Why? Because you're supposed to have nightstands by your bed and so we have things to set our techno-gadgets on while we're sleeping so they don't get... what? Dirty on the clean carpet? BLERG! I own a big TV on which I watch movies so I can avoid picking up a book or going outside (yep, I said it) to meet neighbors and spread God's love, heaven forbid taking that time to read the Word of the Living God because man is that TAXING! Jiminy Christmas!
Some people in our lives may look at our situation and think that we don't have anything fancy. I am so often torn between believe this lie told to me even by loved ones in my life, and wrestling with the uselessness of all of this STUFF! But oh no, when I think of getting rid of it and actually putting the Lord before any of it... pfft, no. I can't do that. That's uncomfortable.
I'm in constant conflict between the desires I allow the world to put in my heart, and the desires God puts in my heart. I'm told that we need to be "responsible". We need to get as many jobs as we can to fill our days, to pay off our debt, to save up money, to get health benefits, to start saving for retirement. I see merit in those things. Of course I do. I'd be ridiculous if I said, "I am not going to work at all, and I don't want my husband to work, and God, we are just going to sit here and let you pay all our bills and feed us and what not. Thanks!" And while I want to be responsible in ways which will benefit OTHER people involved in these areas, and it'd be nice to have those things like health benefits and money saved up... my hope should not rest in them and they should not be the focus of my life. I want my goal to be to do what I can, work-wise, same with my wonderful husband, so we can be responsible and pay the bills that we owe, but I want our number one way to be taken care of in this world, to be God. I want to seek His face and His desires, and trust Him to take care of us because He loves us. I'm not saying I want to mooch off of anyone, but I wouldn't trade the miracles we have experienced for ANYTHING. Some people disagree with the help we have been given. And I can understand their perspectives. But if we'd done the "American thing" all this time, and worked ourselves to the bone, we wouldn't have gotten to experience the amazing, indescribable things that we have gotten to experience. He has answered so many prayers that were spoken only to Him and no-one else. What an amazing miracle! "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done!" -Paul as written in Philippians 4.
I am just struggling. And confused. Not about salvation; my salvation is in Jesus the Messiah who came and loved and died to take God's wrath so that I can live freely in a beautiful relationship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit.
Some days I feel the brevity of The Conflict. Today is just one of those days. Praying for discernment, boldness, and wisdom in my actions and my words. All I desire is to live a different kind of life, hand-in-hand with Jesus, my beloved.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
All Will Sing
All will sing out, "Hallelujah!"
Nothing can compare to moments in which I am confronted with the brevity of my sin. Conviction is the bitter and beautiful hug of our Father through His Spirit that softly says, "What are you doing, child? Do you remember Me?" Though it is not in anger. Why? Why, when we disobey and slander Him, why does He show up with love? I will never understand. I will never deserve it. I can never earn it. So if I'm given a gift, for which I did nothing, for which I can not repay, what do I do? Take it? How simple! That can't be it, it's far too simple. As horrid as I am and have been and will be, there must be something that I am supposed to do in return for unfathomable grace that supersedes any other.
No, there's nothing. You take it. You take it, and you hold on to Him will all Your heart, with all You have. There's nobody else who could possibly love You as He does. His gift is Himself. His intensely sacrificial love that we will never understand or earn, but He pleads for us to take it. My heart aches will gratitude and confusion. We all sin, but He wants to know us and have relationship with us anyway.
Do you know how much He wants to know you?
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Messy
Oh, I'm just a mess. Some days, I quite like that about myself. Other days, I've never been more annoyed than when I'm unable to control my own feelings. It's a horrible, helpless feeling. I go back and forth between these two scenarios. I also go back and forth between whether or not to share this with the world around me. However, something I absolutely adore is when someone shows me their human side. When they put their flaws out there for everyone to see, unashamedly, with the affirmation that they have been covered by the blood of Jesus and now stand pure and flawless. I relish in these moments. Moments in which I get to reply "Me, too" to a friend who is allowing me to step into their mess of a life. Some people don't like it. I can't help but to feel that those people also just don't get it. Like the woman who, on a Sunday morning (and also who I'd never met or seen before), expressed her disgust at the fact that I didn't have my shoes on. "I know it's Arizona and it's hot here, but come on, this is church." Very briefly did her biting comment sting, but then I realized that it's just because she doesn't know. She doesn't know that I take my shoes off during Worship on Sunday mornings because at that time, I am on holy ground {Exodus 3:5}. Some people just don't know. And that's okay. People will make their judgments no matter what you do. The point is, to whom do you answer? The world? Or the King?
With all of that said, I am indeed a mess. But today I quite like that about myself. It gives me a chance to make me a little smaller, and to make God bigger.
With all of that said, I am indeed a mess. But today I quite like that about myself. It gives me a chance to make me a little smaller, and to make God bigger.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Hello?
Hello.
My name is Ashley. You may not remember me, it's been a while since we've spoken. Sigh. You guys know when life gets all... lifey? I swear I've lived 10 lifetimes during my 21 years of breathing. I'm in this very interesting season currently, one in which I just... don't know anything. I'm calling it my "Spiritual Shoulder-Shrug Season". Catchy, right? It's the kind of season where things aren't going "right", yet all I can do is shrug and think, "Well, God knows I'm trying, God knows I'm relying on Him, and that's all I can do."
Basically, through a series of slightly unfortunate events, I was laid off from my job as a housekeeper recently. Recently like 2-ish weeks ago. The hilariously ridiculous part about it? This is the second job out of... what, 10? 11? 12? {I've lost count} jobs that I've had, that I actually LIKED! I was so committed to staying with this job. I even enjoyed going each day! I didn't have to be dragged to the car each morning solely by my obligation to "bring home the bacon". On top of that, the other job I liked {being a watch technician at Fast-Fix Jewelry and Watch Repair in 08-09}, I was laid off from that, too! Though that was for economic reasons as opposed to me screwing something up. Regardless, I find this factoid rather interesting. The only jobs I've enjoyed... I was let go from. This is a glimpse into life, in the way that things just don't make sense. All you can do is try your best. Which, by the way, I do.
Allow me to further press, however, the fact that I'm... okay. My heart {and, more often, my husband} constantly reminds me that God is in control and I am not. And I know {though sometimes I forget to remember...} that I'd much rather have God in control of my life than myself. I just figure, you know, He's a smarty-pants. Some days I can't tell if I'm completely lethargic or just okay. But perhaps both of those are better than being a mess-o-stress.
During this recent stint of unemployment, however, I'm pleased to reveal one {out of two} finished {2013} 365 Books, in all its glory.
And some page examples:
I'd also like to present baby Malakai, my dear friends Michaela and Jimbo's baby boy. He came fresh out of the oven this past Thursday, and may I just say, he came out devilishly handsome.
The End.
My name is Ashley. You may not remember me, it's been a while since we've spoken. Sigh. You guys know when life gets all... lifey? I swear I've lived 10 lifetimes during my 21 years of breathing. I'm in this very interesting season currently, one in which I just... don't know anything. I'm calling it my "Spiritual Shoulder-Shrug Season". Catchy, right? It's the kind of season where things aren't going "right", yet all I can do is shrug and think, "Well, God knows I'm trying, God knows I'm relying on Him, and that's all I can do."
Basically, through a series of slightly unfortunate events, I was laid off from my job as a housekeeper recently. Recently like 2-ish weeks ago. The hilariously ridiculous part about it? This is the second job out of... what, 10? 11? 12? {I've lost count} jobs that I've had, that I actually LIKED! I was so committed to staying with this job. I even enjoyed going each day! I didn't have to be dragged to the car each morning solely by my obligation to "bring home the bacon". On top of that, the other job I liked {being a watch technician at Fast-Fix Jewelry and Watch Repair in 08-09}, I was laid off from that, too! Though that was for economic reasons as opposed to me screwing something up. Regardless, I find this factoid rather interesting. The only jobs I've enjoyed... I was let go from. This is a glimpse into life, in the way that things just don't make sense. All you can do is try your best. Which, by the way, I do.
Allow me to further press, however, the fact that I'm... okay. My heart {and, more often, my husband} constantly reminds me that God is in control and I am not. And I know {though sometimes I forget to remember...} that I'd much rather have God in control of my life than myself. I just figure, you know, He's a smarty-pants. Some days I can't tell if I'm completely lethargic or just okay. But perhaps both of those are better than being a mess-o-stress.
During this recent stint of unemployment, however, I'm pleased to reveal one {out of two} finished {2013} 365 Books, in all its glory.
And some page examples:
I'd also like to present baby Malakai, my dear friends Michaela and Jimbo's baby boy. He came fresh out of the oven this past Thursday, and may I just say, he came out devilishly handsome.
The End.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Pudding Cookies
I must share with you all the most incredible cookie recipe ever: {Pudding Cookies}.
I made these for game night Friday night, they were incredible! They will forever be my go-to cookie recipe.
I made these for game night Friday night, they were incredible! They will forever be my go-to cookie recipe.
Pudding Cookies
4 1/2 c. flour
2 t. baking soda
1 1/2 c. butter, softened
1 1/2 c. brown sugar, packed
1/2 c. white sugar
2 pkgs (I used one) instant pudding
*recipe called for vanilla pudding, I only had white chocolate - turned out great
4 eggs, room temperature
2 t. vanilla extract
4 c. add-ins (chocolate chips, m&ms, butterscotch, etc) - I used chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Stir together flour and baking soda. In large bowl, cream butter, brown sugar, and white sugar. Beat in pudding mix until well blended. Stir in eggs and vanilla. When smooth, slowly add in flour mixture. Make sure it's well incorporated. Add add-ins. Bake 8-12 minutes on greased baking sheets, take out when they're slightly golden but still a bit doughy, they're continue to cook a bit and you don't want them to be crispy.
Note: This recipe made a TON of cookies. Next time I'm half-ing everything.
I sheepishly admit, it's after 11:00pm and I'm eating them right now as I type. Mmm...
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Patience with God
I'm really struggling with patience. Not patience with people here around me, patience with God. Which, in my opinion, is way worse than struggling with patience with people, though that's not great either. I know all the cliche (but very true) statements, "It's all in God's timing." "God's timing is perfect." Trust me, I remind myself of this more often than you know.
I was good about it for a while, this issue. Sometimes I'm able to push these feelings way, way, way down to make myself feel better about the fact that it's just not going to happen anytime soon. But they surface. They always surface.
I want a baby so badly. My heart literally aches when I think about the absence of one in my life, or when someone starts talking about their babies or being pregnant (which always comes up in my life since nearly everyone I know has babies and kids or is about to). I am so happy for them. I seriously am. It wouldn't be as much of an issue, probably, if I didn't keep dreaming these incredibly detailed, seemingly real dreams that Chris and I have a baby. They're always those really long dreams where it's one swift story, not a bizarre dream broken into five separate stories wherein I carry a parrot on my shoulder the whole time, just to keep things dream-like. No, they're very real and they happen all too often. I cry when I wake up from these stupid dreams because I realize that baby in my dream that I was in love with doesn't actually exist. It's happened to the point of me begging God to not let it happen again. Then I get to go on with my day like nothing happened and see everyone else's babies and hear their news of being pregnant. Which, again, I am happy for all my friends in these stages, and these are babies that I adore. Doesn't make it any easier to talk about, though.
It might sound silly, and you might think it's something I should be able to flip off, like a switch. Temporarily, maybe. Or I just don't talk about it for a while and try to convince myself that, "Hey, that's fine, it just won't happen right now. That's fine. Totally fine with that. Fine." But it always comes back.
Praying for patience. And contentment.
I was good about it for a while, this issue. Sometimes I'm able to push these feelings way, way, way down to make myself feel better about the fact that it's just not going to happen anytime soon. But they surface. They always surface.
I want a baby so badly. My heart literally aches when I think about the absence of one in my life, or when someone starts talking about their babies or being pregnant (which always comes up in my life since nearly everyone I know has babies and kids or is about to). I am so happy for them. I seriously am. It wouldn't be as much of an issue, probably, if I didn't keep dreaming these incredibly detailed, seemingly real dreams that Chris and I have a baby. They're always those really long dreams where it's one swift story, not a bizarre dream broken into five separate stories wherein I carry a parrot on my shoulder the whole time, just to keep things dream-like. No, they're very real and they happen all too often. I cry when I wake up from these stupid dreams because I realize that baby in my dream that I was in love with doesn't actually exist. It's happened to the point of me begging God to not let it happen again. Then I get to go on with my day like nothing happened and see everyone else's babies and hear their news of being pregnant. Which, again, I am happy for all my friends in these stages, and these are babies that I adore. Doesn't make it any easier to talk about, though.
It might sound silly, and you might think it's something I should be able to flip off, like a switch. Temporarily, maybe. Or I just don't talk about it for a while and try to convince myself that, "Hey, that's fine, it just won't happen right now. That's fine. Totally fine with that. Fine." But it always comes back.
Praying for patience. And contentment.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thin Line for Sinful Christians
"Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:24-25
I can't get past this scripture. There's something about it that's causing me to have a heavy heart, which is interesting because it's a happy scripture of Good News! "Thanks God, for saving us from a crap life of sin!" and yes, that is true, but I think what I'm stuck on is... Do we tend to take this gift from God expectantly, and turn around to go back to our normal lives? All the while feeling good about ourselves because of the Salvation Token we've tucked away in our back pocket? What in our life actually changes when we hear that we are Rescued forever? Does anything change? If something does, what? What is the life of a saved Believer in this day and age supposed to look like? It's supposed to look different from people who haven't heard this News, right? You would think it would have SOME kind of affect on our entire lives, not just on our Sunday mornings. I think about people in my family who either don't know this News, don't believe this News, or just flat out don't care about this News. Does my life look different to them than other peoples' lives? So often I'm curious to know. But how the heck do you find out that information? "Hey, did you notice anything new about me? I stopped cussing! And I can't hang out on Sunday mornings because I have to go to Church. And I got this cute Cross-tattoo on my ankle. Did you notice those things?" What silly things to say to someone who doesn't know Him! And, not to mention, more examples of a spiritually-shallow "relationship" with God (not that those things are bad, I'm just saying should those things be glorified fruit of a life turned over to Jesus?)
What is okay for Christians and what is too worldly? 50 Shades of Grey? Magic Mike? Are these things Christians should be saying "No" to? Or does the boycott of such things create an even greater rift in the Believer/Non-Believer dynamic? Where's the line? I think of scriptures such as Romans 13:13-14: "Don't participate in wild parties and getting drunk, or in adultery and immoral living, or in fighting and jealousy." And in Ephesians 5:3: "Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God's people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes - these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God." Okay, I've got to be honest. My husband and I both LOVE The Office, which is full of coarse jokes and the use of God's name in vain. Here's my struggle! And he and I are also big into the "That's What She Said" jokes. We just are. Does this cross the line? I legitimately want to hear peoples' interpretations of this topic.
I know our lives are supposed to look different. But how different?
I can't get past this scripture. There's something about it that's causing me to have a heavy heart, which is interesting because it's a happy scripture of Good News! "Thanks God, for saving us from a crap life of sin!" and yes, that is true, but I think what I'm stuck on is... Do we tend to take this gift from God expectantly, and turn around to go back to our normal lives? All the while feeling good about ourselves because of the Salvation Token we've tucked away in our back pocket? What in our life actually changes when we hear that we are Rescued forever? Does anything change? If something does, what? What is the life of a saved Believer in this day and age supposed to look like? It's supposed to look different from people who haven't heard this News, right? You would think it would have SOME kind of affect on our entire lives, not just on our Sunday mornings. I think about people in my family who either don't know this News, don't believe this News, or just flat out don't care about this News. Does my life look different to them than other peoples' lives? So often I'm curious to know. But how the heck do you find out that information? "Hey, did you notice anything new about me? I stopped cussing! And I can't hang out on Sunday mornings because I have to go to Church. And I got this cute Cross-tattoo on my ankle. Did you notice those things?" What silly things to say to someone who doesn't know Him! And, not to mention, more examples of a spiritually-shallow "relationship" with God (not that those things are bad, I'm just saying should those things be glorified fruit of a life turned over to Jesus?)
What is okay for Christians and what is too worldly? 50 Shades of Grey? Magic Mike? Are these things Christians should be saying "No" to? Or does the boycott of such things create an even greater rift in the Believer/Non-Believer dynamic? Where's the line? I think of scriptures such as Romans 13:13-14: "Don't participate in wild parties and getting drunk, or in adultery and immoral living, or in fighting and jealousy." And in Ephesians 5:3: "Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God's people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes - these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God." Okay, I've got to be honest. My husband and I both LOVE The Office, which is full of coarse jokes and the use of God's name in vain. Here's my struggle! And he and I are also big into the "That's What She Said" jokes. We just are. Does this cross the line? I legitimately want to hear peoples' interpretations of this topic.
I know our lives are supposed to look different. But how different?
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